Supporting partner needs nurturing

Dear KCY

I have a partner who has needed support for a long time – in fact it has felt like the festival of him for the last 5 years. Whilst he is still on his healing journey (emotionally, physically and mentally), or in fact just starting it in many ways, I am getting exhausted and tired of being the go getter and main support in the family. I am so hopeful for the day that he wakes up with enthusiasm for the world and until then I cross my fingers in frustration. But in the meantime, how do I draw on my inner energy and the good times to see me through?

Yours, exhausted go getter

Dear Go Getter

You cannot be a crutch for anyone. Especially not for those you love. This is a complete contradiction I realise as we always want to be the support for those we love but if you are the crutch in a relationship you are getting no support yourself and frankly, you’re heading for a burn out. I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t already know GG.

The brutal answer to your question is that you cannot keep drawing on your inner strength and good times. Your cup will runneth dry.

A wise friend of mine once told me that relationships are like a see saw. At any given time one person takes on the support role while one is the receiver. This changes constantly and this flow is important for balance in the relationship. At the moment GG this flow is not happening for you and as such, despite the love you have, if something doesn’t shift your relationship will suffer.

And to be brutally honest with you my sweet (and with everyone else reading this), I’ve been there. In my marriage I was the provider, the strength, the support, the confident one, the outgoing one, the one that got wheeled out at industry parties to be the vibrant partner to my introverted husband. Now I won’t hear a bad word said about my ex husband, he was (is) a beautiful man inside and out, he was not to blame for who he was (is). But I became exhausted. I did not get what I needed from the relationship and this went on for a very long time. To cut a long and painful story short, eventually I left and started to lean on someone else for support, for strength, for happiness and to feel beautiful and desired. And of course, this was the absolute end of my marriage.

If something doesn’t shift for you GG, you’ll become more drained, more exhausted than you think possible, maybe resentful, maybe your eye will wander to someone who can offer you those things and hell, we all know what happens then. You don’t want that thunderball of pain comin’ at ya. Trust me.

In yoga, we have wheels of energy called the chakras. If you’re unfamiliar with the chakras here is a great article for beginners http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-91/The-7-Chakras-for-Beginners.html.

Chakra Overview

If I could get my hands on you GG I would put my money on your Muladhara chakra and your Anahata chakra being a little bit blocked right now. Your manipura chakra is probably spinning out of control. To say this in English, your root chakra is your centre for support, being supported. A roof over your head, food on your table and the support provided from your family and loved ones. I’d say this one would be a little dull for you. I’d then bet that this is impacting your heart chakra, that you wouldn’t be feeling as compassionate and loving (and nurtured and loved) as you would like to. Your solar plexus however is your courage, your confidence, your get up and go and this is probably working overtime.

So what to do? First things first. What are you doing for you? What are you doing each week that brings you joy? Something lovely and nurturing and selfishly all for you. I could tell you what yoga poses could work on the above chakras but I’m not sure if you practice or not GG, so let me know and I’ll send these to you. But maybe yoga isn’t your thing, so then go out and find your thing, dance, write, sing, go to a gallery, do to a circus lesson…anything.

And then. Your partner is on a healing journey and you don’t want to disrupt this but while he is on this journey he can still step up to be with you. Really BE with you. What does that look like for you GG? Does he need to cook you dinner three times a week (root chakra), does he need to arrange a date night once a week (heart chakra), does he need to sit and listen to you for 10 mins every evening as you download your day (root chakra) or does he need to hold you every night for five mins before you go to sleep (heart chakra). What does it look like GG? Delve deep, be brutally honest and then voice it. Make it clear, keep it realistic but make it clear.

I know you’re a brave girl. I know you are living from your manipura chakra right now. So tap into that courage and say what you need to say to your partner. Tell him what you need while being the support he needs. Do it now. Do it now. Do it now.

Yours KCY